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| Away at work. Moving out into the dorms soon. I worked out today. Called Joe. Was a regular phone-call and not that heart-splitting nonsense we've had lately. I cant wait to see him. I think he's consented to sleeping with me. And yet...I'm having second thoughts. But. I have an out. Antibiotics make my birth-control less effective. Score!
Ken got online to tell me goodnight. April was talking to him online and she was asking what he thought of all of us. He said Jen was cute. Natalie was pretty. Stacy (me) was VERY pretty. ...If he didnt have the hots for April and I didnt have Joe, I would chase him. He left me a message on my myspace saying that he missed me. He had his away message up all night but took it down to say good night ot me. Am I reading too much into things? Yeah. But its a guilty endulgence that I love. That I crave. He's a good friend.
And I'll keep him that way. | | |
| Ken fixed my laptop. ...almost. Because of the stupid mouse I lost my whole prom entry. will write later. | | |
| High:
Spent a lazy day dedicated to myself.
Low:
I feel like I should miss Joe. Usually thats the case. But today I find that I dont. Maybe its because last time I saw him it ended on a sour note. Lets see how I feel tomorrow.
Controversial Thought of the Day:
Blah blah blah.Relationships.Blah blah blah. | | |
| Sidenote:
I hate cops. And neighbors. We were all just sitting on my porch talking and I see a cop car drive by...slow down. Stop. Move a few houses down. Turn around. Stop in front. Squad car number two rolls down the street and stops. An officer gets out of each car and stars heading up the walk.
Ken: "Is there a problem?"
Cop: "*soft, but stern voice* I guess your neighbors are trying to get some sleep."
DJ: "Were we being loud?"
Cop: "Maybe you should move this inside."
Ken: "Sorry."
And then the cops got back into their cars and rocketed down my street. Fuckers. I cant believe someone called the cops on me! Thats so fucking rude! If they had come out and asked us to be quiet I would've made everyone come inside and we'd be as quiet as fucking mice. But no, they had to call the cops. Because we were talking. On my fucking porch. This isnt the first run-in we've had with cops, though. Maybe its something about Ken being apologetic that makes it all better and them not write tickets. Last time he apologized we got off the hook. Yay Ken. | | |
| High:
Slept in. Installed the video card. Dug a big hole at the beach with DJ. Watched some dog who seriously needed to be neutered steal his sock. Went to the park. Went to the other park and saw Joe's brother and his friends. Went home and hung out on my porch for hours and hours. Talked. So rarely do I get a chance to talk anymore. Joe talks all the fucking time, but mostly its stuff that I dont care about...like music or cars. I find myself thinking about our conversation...I play it out in my head and usually I see myself saying something witty or funny. Then I think, "Goddamn it, what didnt I say that earlier?"
Low:
Developing unhealthy sleeping habits. I needed to move more than I did today. I wish we could've gone dancing. I think I flirt with Ken. I want to tell him how cute he is. But I dont want to make things wierd. I wish he could just know. He could use the boost. Didnt see Joe. Wont see him tomorrow either. Its probably a good thing seeing as we're going to spend like...4 days together with Prom and camping. I wish he wouldnt go. He can be a real dick sometimes.
We had a fight. He wanted to know if there would be drinking at the cabin. I told him I didnt plan on drinking. That wasnt good enough. Everyone had to be sober. If they werent he said he didnt want to be stranded because he would hitchhike home if he had to. I told him that I didnt think anyone else would be. That wasnt good enough. I said I'd ask them. After that he said that he'd ask them himself.
This is not good. I dont want him to look like a dick in front of my friends. He uses underhanded manipulation tactics. I dont think he knows he's doing it. Example: After asking them if we were going to have alcohol, if the answer was no, then he'd say he was cool and that'd be that. If the answer was yes, he would say thats cool, but he's not going to come. Why is that manipulation? Because my friends know that it would make me happy to have him come and then they would have to decide whether my happiness is more important that getting shitfaced. ....Does that make sense or am I just talking out of my ass?
So a misunderstanding spawned a fight. He said that he'd come over later. He came over at midnight (WAY later) and we sat in the car and argued for a good half an hour. He tried to explain to me why he couldnt be around it. His ideals. I dont understand because all the stories, all the experiences...they dont belong to him.
His biological father used to beat his mother. One story he tells me is when she hid in the bathroom and his father took her two kittens and kept throwing them against the door. She couldnt help them because if she opened it she'd get beat. So she had to listen to them cry and thud against the door. Sad, yes. But Joe wasnt alive when this happened. He wasnt there to experience it.
Example number two. His uncle drinks and beats his kids. Number three, same uncle jacked his brother in the face at a family reunion.
Neither of these directly concern him. Especially because drinking doesnt make you beat your wife or your kids. You're an asshole in the first place if you do that. Because of these borrowed experiences and because of his ridiculous ideals he wont even begin to understand that the experience is not always evil. Its not always bad. Sure, it can be. It can be a lot of things. It can be stupid or funny, violent or sad, loving or numb. But for him its always going to be tainted. I dont ask him to agree with the act. I ask him to accept that it happens and not be an asshole when its innocent.
I tried [poorly] to articulate this to him last night. And he thought I was trying to change him. He accused me of it. He had the realization that we are two very different people. I had the realization that no matter how mature he seems, he has a lot of growing up to do.
But the whole fight had put him in a mood. Every now and then he gets into a mood where he becomes very dark. Those are the same times he tells me all these terrible stories. He told me a few new ones after we had talked about everything else. He told me about how he used to hurt himself. How he'd punch walls until his knuckles bled. He told me about taking a knife and carving a nice deep gash into his chest. He wouldnt look at me. When he's angry with me he wont look at me.
It also made me realize that he needed to find God. He needed help, a savior. I think he still does. I think I'm going to cut out on Youth Group this week.
I absolutley hate him when he's dark. I hate the stories he tells me. I cant do anything but sit there and listen.
I'm infatuated with him the other 75% of the time. He's always talking about something fun or funny. Talks about what he wants out of life. Tells me how beautiful I am and how blessed he feels to have found me.
It wont ever be enough, though. I know there's someone better out there for me. Maybe not right here, right now. But there is someone better. Its just...I feel like I want to hold on to him for just a little bit longer. But then I ask myself, "For how much longer?" Do I really want to pull the whole long distance relationship? And if I do long distance over the summer, shouldnt I cart him with me to college as well? I dont want to be the layover while he builds a relationship with someone else. I dont know what I want. Its difficult for me to take this one step at a time, going without a plan.
FUCK. | | |
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